The day finally came. Almost four months into the deployment, and I started ugly crying when I got into my truck in the grocery store parking lot. Maybe because I feel like shit because Texas has some mad-ass ragweed. Maybe because I missed a party with friends and a meeting with my fellow 3CR ladies because of my stupid body failing me again and again. Today was the day I lost my shit, and cried.
What the hell, Erin, do you go through life as a robot who doesn't cry? Sometimes. When and if I do cry, I get a little teary, then wipe my eyes and continue on, because I have to. I'm like anyone else - I work, I have a child, a husband, a home, dogs, responsibilities. It just happens that after 22 years of living the military life, I've hardened, because I had to. I make no apologies, ever, for how I feel. You cannot ever tell someone else how they should feel - to me that is the cruelest thing you can do. But you should be used to it, Erin, But doesn't it get easier with every deployment, but, but, but...the list can go on forever.
I can go days, weeks even, and feel good mentally. Of course the antidepressants help, but they don't suppress feelings, which I DO have. My husband is in a hostile country, and has been for each and every deployment. Don't tell me how I should feel as he's on his 16th combat deployment since 2001. Don't tell my husband I must be 'losing it' because I'm not used to a longer deployment.
Imprinted into my heart and soul are the wrenching sobs of the father I sat next to at his son's memorial ceremony. I will never get it out of my heart knowing that a wife was now a widow before she knew, or that a father lost another son before he knew. Military spouses are the strongest people I know, because we keep these things in our heart, and don't talk about them, until we need to. Some things haunt us, and knowing that on that day, someone's life would be changed forever, changes you. You feel guilty that your husband is okay. We volunteer to help the families in our units, because we care.
We all go through life as military spouses in so many different ways. This is my way. I fall apart one day and the next day I put the pieces back together. I have to, because that's my way. These are my feelings, and I'll always stand by them, because feelings don't lie. I'll wake tomorrow and remember two heroes, Jason Dahlke and Eric Hario. I'll think of their families that I know and love like family, and drink a beer with hundreds virtually for Jason.
I started writing this as a way to get my feelings out, because writing is how I do it. I let my brain work and my fingers type. Maybe I said too much, maybe I didn't say enough.
I'll be fine. I had my cry, I got it all out. My allergies will go away. My son will come home to visit at Christmas. I'll do what I have to do to get through every day, I'll be watching crappy Lifetime movies or reading a good book, because it's what I do.
"This life isn't fair
It's gonna get dark, it's gonna get cold
You've got to be tough, but that ain't enough
It's all about soul."
