Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Because it is Thanksgiving, after all...

I feel sort of guilty, because I'm not that upset that Adam will not be here for Thanksgiving. There are several factors why:

* This isn't the first, and it won't be the last holiday he's been gone. Good lord, I think we've covered every holiday, birthday, anniversary, etc. without him. It's not that I get used to it, I am just a bit jaded by now.

* Obviously I'm not throwing around timeframes, but he will be home sooner than later. Of course I miss him, and wish he could be here, but he can't. He's at war - it's his job, and we chose this life - so I understand.

* We have family coming to spend Thanksgiving with us. Thank God my brother-in-law can cook, because the Moroz sisters just aren't very proficient cooks. We can, but we are also smart enough to have married good men that can cook. Mama didn't raise no dummies.

* To Adam, it's just another day over there. I know I will hear the sadness in his voice, that he can't be with us, and I will do my best to let him know that yes, I miss him and wish he could be here, but at the same time, try to keep it lighthearted. I can always tell when he's sort of sad, because his voice gets really low and monotone.

I suppose I sound pretty bitchy, writing a whole post about not being upset my husband isn't here for Thanksgiving. This year, I am most thankful he is alive. There are many wives, husbands, brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, etc. who will never, ever share the holidays with their loved ones again. That hits home, and shows me the bigger picture of life.

Happy Thanksgiving, please don't forget about our troops overseas who will not be with their family, and keep yours that much closer.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Because I procrastinate...

Before every deployment, I come up with tons of stuff to keep me busy - paint the bathroom, make everyone scarves for Christmas, clean out the attic, etc. I guess I do this as a way to ease my mind, that I will keep myself busy and also accomplish something along the way.

Have I done any of this? Yeah, I painted the bathroom and the vanity and replaced the silver stuff with bronze. It took me weeks, but I was very busy with the logistics of tragedy and being an FRG leader.

Now that the end is sort of in sight, I'm rushing around like a damn fool. I need to clean! I need to buy every single thing for Thanksgiving dinner! I need to get the guest room ready by next Wednesday!

In reality, it's not much. It just feels like it, because I didn't do much during the deployment, always pushing it off, thinking I had plenty of time.

Here's where I could really kick my own ass - I was told that our company HAD to spend our money that was so generously donated. I had to come up with something within a few hours. I'm not a good thinker under pressure, and usually my brain farts one of those juicy, better-check-your-panties farts. You know which ones I mean.

I decided, oh, it would be nice to make an ornament for each and every wife in the company. After some trial and tribulation, I think I've figured it out (and lots of anger and frustration). It will be time and labor-intensive, but I think anything handmade is always nice. Then I tallied up how many wives....55. Fifty-fucking-five. I'm a glutton for punishment.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Because people are ridiculous...

It's the never-ending debate - working moms versus stay-at-home moms. I think it's utterly ridiculous, and would be quite happy to never see a single word written about it again. When I'm done, of course.

Why, as mothers, do we judge each other so harshly? Who gives anyone the right to judge what we choose to do with our own lives? I believe that the most outspoken ones (on both sides) are those that are the most miserable, and choose to target the other women for their choices in a pathetic attempt to justify their own choices. I could be totally wrong, but I see no other valid reason for some women to criticize anyone else's life.

In fact, I see no reason for anyone to judge someone by how they choose to live their life. It's the reason why I only have a few close friends...I don't like people up my ass, in my business. Since moving to a small town, I have heard more gossip about people I have never met than in my entire life. I live and let live, and while I have a certain amount of curiosity of how others live, I could care less. I am the happiest I have ever been in my entire life (current deployment not included).

If someone wants to judge me for not working, fuck 'em. I made the decision after working for 10 years (mostly at-home, and when I did go into the office, my son was with me) to quit, because the office decided that children were no longer welcome. I packed up my shit and resigned that day. My family will always come first. Because Adam is either deployed, training, or working long hours, I want Addison to have a constant presence of at least one parent around.

It's hard enough worrying if his dad will return from overseas (and the poor kid had a nightmare that Adam died ... that will break any mother's heart). He knows I am here every day when he gets home from school, even though he says he'd prefer me to be gone at least half an hour. He's exerting that independence recently, which I will not quash, but I would like him to have that comfort right now.

I don't give two shits whether you are a working mom or a stay-at-home mom, or somewhere in between. Live your own life, and quit worrying what everyone else is doing with theirs.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Because every day is different...

I'll admit it - yesterday sucked. Sundays are the days I feel the loneliest, when I wish I had any sort of family within a reasonable driving distance. They're super depressing, especially when I read on Facebook how people are snuggling on the couch with their husbands, watching football, having family day, or having dinner with their parents. I'm insanely jealous of those people.

Today's better. I have a spark of energy. I have a better attitude. I refuse to sit around feeling sorry for myself, even though it's so much easier. I'm a fighter, not a lover, and will fight the loneliness until he's back home. Addison and I are counting down the days (even though we don't have a set date yet, just a general idea). That makes it easier, knowing it's closer on the horizon than it was yesterday. Until then, I'm counting my blessings every single moment of every single day. I highly recommend it...you might realize life isn't so bad.