To be brutally honest, I have wrestled with the ups and downs of depression for many, many years. Sometimes I can feel myself slipping into a funk, other times I can look back and see when I was not doing so well. I've gotten really good at identifying when I am not feeling emotionally well. This is one of those times.
It's not something I will bring up in a casual conversation, unless I trust you. I in no way am trying to garner sympathy - it's quite the opposite. Since I'm able to recognize when I'm not doing well, I feel it's only fair to let those close to me know I'm going through a rough patch, but I do know it will get better, so please bear with me. I tend to hole up inside myself. It's hard to do much of anything. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is hard. Some days taking a shower is a major accomplishment. The good days far outnumber these bad days, so no need to worry.
I have been able to pinpoint exactly what's got me in the doldrums. I miss my family, and not in a "I'll go visit and feel better" kind of way. I miss living near family. I haven't lived in Massachusetts since 1996. My family is Adam and Addison, and when Adam isn't around, it can get very lonely. It would be nice to be able to drop by my sister's house for a visit, or hang out with my cousins who I haven't seen in years. I've been able to reconnect with my cousin Ryan through Facebook, and it saddens me I don't know him better. I don't know a lot of my family better because of our circumstances. Home is where the Army sends you, but home is also where my family is, which happens to be 1,000 miles away.
I'm sure there are a lot of military families who feel the way I do. Maybe when I win the lottery I'll buy my own town down here in the South (because it seems like all of my New England family is sick of the cold weather) and move everyone down here. I'll be the mayor, of course - because I said so.
I know I'll feel better, maybe in day or two, or maybe in a week or so. That's the thing about depression - there's no telling how long it will last. In the meantime, I'll keep on keeping on, and keep fighting with all of my might to keep my chin above the water, because even though I may not feel great, I'm still an Army wife, and not even depression can beat me.
2 comments:
Get it, love it. When I was ten I drew the floor plan for a three-story house in which I had a ballroom, a library, a TV (with rabbit ears, giving away the time frame) in every room, and a huge room for each of my brothers and their families. My parents have both passed away now, and I really cherish the opportunity to be with my brothers as we wrap up my mom's estate. It is precious time.
Even though you are feeling blue, you still write with humor. That's just one of the many reasons I love you and call you my bestie! I will ALWAYS be here for you sweetie. LOVE YOU BUNCHES!!
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