Buh-Bye 33

So sad-it's my last day of being 33 years old. Tomorrow, at 6:32 a.m., I will officially be 34.

I enjoyed being 33. For one, 3 is Adam's favorite number, so I was double his favorite wife all year. I know, that doesn't make much sense, but in my warped mind, it makes perfect sense.

I like the number three, because to me, it represents our family. Me, Adam and Addison make three. We once had three dogs. We have two but I am only counting humans.

So long, 33, it was a good year. I enjoyed you and hope you can say the same. 34, here I come.

If you missed me on TV...

Yes, I did a favor for my friend in the post Public Affairs Office and did an interview for CNN along with three other military wives on what it's like to live on a military paycheck.
Since we were on our way back from N.C., I didn't get to see it on TV, but my friend Jen let me know she watched it on CNN.com so of course I crusied over and watched it. Can you tell it was overcast and we had bright lights on us? Yeah, we were squinty.
On the plus side, the hours of grooming I did that morning paid off-not a gray hair in sight.
If you go to www.cnn.com and search in the videos it's called something like, "Six kids on $30K a year." No, not me! One kid is good with me, thanks.

Blessed

I don't know why, but after I turn off the TV and lay down to try to go to sleep, I get contemplative.

Last night I started thinking about how blessed I am, how we all are. The cyclone in Myanmar and the earthquake in China really opened up my eyes to how people around the world suffer. I have a very provincial view of the world (don't a lot of Americans?) and I never pause to think about what other people might be going through.

I can't imagine what it's like to have your whole life wiped out in a few seconds. I do worry about tornadoes here in Georgia, which could literally wipe out everything we own, but at the same time, as long as I have my friends and family, life is good.

I get so caught up in material things, like making sure Addison's Under Armour baseball bag matches his Under Armour shoes that when I think about it I feel ridiculous.

I'm not trying to depress anybody, just sometimes I need a reality check to know that my life is full. Full of love and happiness and laughter and pride. That makes me whole.

Let's Hang, Flo

The first time I saw the commercials for Progressive Insurance with the lady named Flo, I found her utterly annoying. Adam, on the other hand, thought she was funny. For days, he would walk around the house saying, "Wow! I say it louder!" Interestingly enough, it didn't annoy me, but made me develop a fondness for Flo.

The picture above is the real Flo, who looks nothing like the Flo on TV. She's an actress who's real name is Stephanie Courtney. You can read more about her on http://www.imdb.com/.

I guess Flo caught on because there seem to be several new Progressive commercials featuring Flo. My favorite is when she is checking out a couple who is buying boat, motorcycle and RV insurance and the woman comments that they don't have those things, and her husband says, well, yes, they do now. Flo says, "Surprise!" and the woman gives her a look that could kill. Flo says, "Let's bag these up."

I like you, girl. You're funny and self-deprecating and even though I don't have Progressive, we should hang.

Paps Jr.

Once again, I am a very proud momma.

I almost shit my pants when Addison told me he would be pitching in last night's baseball game. He's never pitched before. I was so nervous for him, and I didn't need to be.

My boy struck out 13 (it might have been 14 I was shaking and having a hard time making the hash marks with a Sharpie on a deposit slip) batters. Yet his team still lost. He made 99% of the outs so all I can say is that when the other team did get a hit off him, there was a big E made by his fellow eight players. Pshaw.

After every single pitch, he looked over to me. I gave him thumbs up or clapped. When he had a minute between batters, he looked over at me, dropped down real low and puckered up his mouth, a la Jonathan Papelbon. I almost pissed my pants laughing. What a ham - just like his dad.

I wish Adam could have been there to see it, and share my nervousness, but he is in California until tomorrow.

Addison can't pitch in the next game because he pitched the entire game (5 1/3 innings) but I'm sure next weekend he will start again. Addison did an awesome job, and thank you, Adam, for throwing down a piece of wood in the backyard and showing him how to push off it and throw his leg out as far as possible.

Way to go, Boy, and thanks for the best Mother's Day gift ever.

Dear Douchebag...

Dear Douchebag,

We all watched as you grabbed your kid out of the dugout not even an hour into the game. You looked like an asshole. Just because your kid didn't start the game didn't mean she wasn't going to play. She was about to go in at the beginning of the next inning, but because you're a douchebag, your child missed out on playing in her first baseball game of the season.

I ask, what does this teach your child about sportsmanship? That she's always going to start? No child should believe that they will always start. I always tell my own child there will always be someone better than him. Not to make him feel bad, but to not let him get a big head because he got a homerun or made an out. This is true in all aspects of life, not just sports.

Baseball is a team sport, and you not only cheated your kid, you cheated the other kids on the team. What sort of example are you setting? A real shitty one if you ask me.

You left a bitter taste in my and many other parents' mouths. One even called you a bitch. I consider that nice.

Then you have the gall to call the coach and leave a winded message that you expect your child to start the next game. Who made you God? The coach is in charge for a reason, and you're lucky I'm not the coach, because I would be reporting your ass to the organization that you're threatening me.

Lady, you're setting your kid up for a lifetime of failure, because you can't control your anger and competitiveness. I still can't believe you threatened your own kid with being grounded if she didn't hit the ball.

There's a reason we call people douchebags, and you're it.

That's My Boy!

That's my boy on third base. He did a super job today, as did his whole team. Addison walked his first at-bat, got an inside-the-park homerun his second at-bat and a double his third at-bat.

At third base, he caught a pop up to end the first inning and then fielded a hit for the force out at third.

The Blue Jays won, 9-7. Whoopee!

Stalker Lizard

Refer to yesterday's posting before you read this one. I guess since the lizard couldn't get to me through the window, he's trying from the front now, namely, the porch where I spy on my neighbors for signs of deviance.

Watch it, Lizard, or I'm going to have to tell Adam about you. You don't want none of Best Ranger 2004 on yo' ass.

Vote for Baby-Free Gin and Juice

Yes, it's official, I have lost my mind. The song, Too Much Time on My Hands by Styx (who doesn't love Come Sail Away, The Best of Times and Babe?) is running on a constant loop in my head.

To prove the point of mind-loss, here are my top 10 ideas on what my Silky Terrier, Baby, does when she squirrels up under our bed at various times during the day. (Sometimes if my big toe brushes up too close to the dust ruffle, she will emit a low growl, making me jump on the bed so I don't come to be known as "Nine-Toed Nash.")

1. I told Adam the other night while we were watching TV in bed and heard Baby rustling under the bed that she was running an underground meth lab. Hey, Baby, keep me out of it, but make sure you share the profits, bitch.

2. Has an internal debate with herself on whether she really is a dog or a cat. I can hear her now: "That short lady and the tall guy call me kitty all the time and laugh. Is it true? I smell like a dog and I eat dog food, yet when a cat food commercial comes on, they ask me, 'Baby, you want me to buy you that'"?

3. Is hiding out from that thing that is always following her around. (her tail)

4. Has an encyclopedia collection she is devouring voraciously in hopes of going on Jeopardy!.

5. Protecting her health since I haven't "gone green" with my household cleaners. I was a sucker and bought the Clorox "green" bathroom cleaner. Nope, doesn't work as well as regular Clorox Clean-Up. It'll burn the hairs out of your nostrils but you can bet your bottom there are no germs on my countertops.

6. She could possibly have a Playstation under there and is living a life of crime and destitution while playing Grand Theft Auto 4.

7. Wondering how she can get out of the fence and get knocked up so she too can be classy and go on Maury to find out who her baby daddy be, saying she is "2,000 percent sure he's the daddy because she's never been with anyone else".

8. Practicing her "looks" so Tyra doesn't tell her she looks "dead in the eyes" when trying out for America's Next Top Model.

9. Plotting my death, a la Stewie, so she can take my place as Adam's wife.

10. Budgeting so she can figure out if she has enough dough to run for president as the "crunk candidate."

Toast with buhtt-a

Check it out, the Geico gecko is on the screen in my living room. (Between the screen and window. No clue how he did that.)

Sorry, gecko, I'm not changing my car insurance. Go queue yourself up for a takeaway and a bag of crisps.

And you're lucky I'm not feeling particularly cruel, otherwise I'd open up the window and let Baby have a go at you.