Because I'm always thinking...

I've got two things on my mind today.



The first is how disappointed people make me. Grown adults, who can't get over themselves and their own egos, for the better of 10- and 11-year-old boys. Boys who like to play baseball, and be with their friends are pretty much without a team because adults act more immature than the children. I'm sad for Addison if the rumor that his travel ball team is being disbanded is true. Sure, it will free up our weekends for more family time, and this is important to me now, since we only have a few weeks before Adam leaves yet again, but Addison really enjoyed it, and it was good experience for him. I'm trying hard to get over this, but when my child is hurt or disappointed, Mama Bear takes over.



The second is this: I need to get over myself. I need to stop being such a bitch, and wanting recognition for the smallest things. Do I really need Adam to acknowledge every single thing I do for the house, the kid, the family? No. A small acknowledgement every now and then would be nice, sure. But not for everything.



Last night, he asked, "Do you even pay the bills?" I felt slighted. Of course I pay the bills! Many, many years ago when we had no money, I tried to put off paying the bills as long as possible. As soon as we were financially stable, I paid them, all of them, as soon as they showed up in my e-mail or the mailbox. I pointed out that his water wouldn't be coming out of the tap, and that the light that was on would not be on if I had not paid the bill. It made me feel like he really doesn't know what I do around the house. I was snide when IMing him this morning. I said, "Ttyl. Gotta go to the grocery store, because the food in the house doesn't just magically show up you know." Maybe I was bitchy, maybe it felt kind of good to be a bitch.



I like doing what I do for the boys. I like to cook and clean, so they don't live in filth or eat shitty meals. I even got ice cream and cones, so we can have a nice dessert tonight.



I'll try from now on to just know that what I do is what I do. I don't need cartwheels and fireworks every time I scrub the toilet or fold the laundry. I know what I do, and I'll be happy with that.

Because I'm a non-smoker now...

I've been a non-smoker for almost two weeks now. It's been surprisingly easy, especially since I'm using the patch. I really don't miss it. I suppose the pull of wanting to live a healthy, longer life appealed more to me than smoking. Who will teach my grandkids (in 20 years, thank you very much) how to fetch beers if I'm dead?

Along with not smoking, I'm exercising. Not because I like it so much, although the endorphins are pretty awesome, but because I'm eating like a heifer. At least I'm aware of it, so I don't end up looking like Roseanne, but still ... I had a really hard time not buying the humongous box of Snickers today at Sam's. I would probably sit down and eat about 10 in one sitting. My appetite has returned, I can smell my food, and damn, I like to eat now. Wonderful. I'm really hoping the exercise keeps the fat off. It looks like it's Fruit City from here on out.

Because it's day two...

Adam and I started the nicotine patch yesterday in an attempt to kick our habits (snuff for him, cigs for me). I am determined to be a non-smoker, and for a lot of reasons. I like looking young and still getting carded. I want to live to see my grandkids. I'm stupid enough to have been smoking with mild asthma for the past 17 years. I know, DUH. I've had enough sickness that I know what it's like to not be able to breathe properly. I don't ever want to have that feeling permanently. I'd have to call Jack Kevorkian.

The nicotine addiction is bad. But, with the help of the patch, tolerable. For me, it's all about filling in that extra time I so often spent outside smoking. Yesterday I got down on my hands and knees with a nail brush and cleaned my kitchen tile floor with Clorox Clean-Up. I scrubbed the shit out of it, and now have a very clean floor. I even got the grout clean again.

Today I scrubbed my shower. If you have hard water, you know how hard this can be. I swear by the Scrubbing Bubbles in the blue can and a yellow Dobie pad. Just put a little ass into it and it actually gets clean. I tried everything for my glass shower door. Again, I swear by spraying a little cooking spray on it and rubbing it in. Voila!

So I'm keeping busy. I'm treating this like a competition, because no one, absolutely no one, beats me. Okay, Adam beats me at most things (except basketball - I'm 5'2" and he's 6'3", but the boy has no game), but this is one showdown I'm going to win.

Because this is what I'm digging...

I'm very decidely a creature of habit. When I was in the second grade I ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch, every single day. When I find something I like, I stick with it.

I do like some variety though. I find myself obsessed (not creepy-like, just interested in) different things. They may vary from day to day, week to week, etc. You know what I mean.

This is what I'm digging on right now:

*History. I've always liked history, but never got into it. It's Adam's thing. He's a history major. I started watching the History Channel documentary series "America The Story of Us" and I'm now really, really interested in everything history-related. I find myself wanting to know every detail of the Pilgrims (which I always liked anyway), the Revolutionary War, etc.

*Betty White. I've always loved her. Suddenly everyone else does too. Well, I've loved her since I was a teenager, when I watched the Golden Girls every Saturday night.

*Books. I've downloaded more than I can read on my Kindle, but it's a comfort thing for me. I like to know I have a lot of different books available for me to read at any one time. Today I bought Laura Bush's book, Spoken from the Heart, The Imperfectionists: A Novel, and Shit My Dad Says. I also ordered Jen Lancaster's new book to be delivered since it's not available on the Kindle, at least not yet. I really, really hope it makes it here by Friday like Amazon said.

*Candles. Okay, this is nothing new. I'm obsessed with candles. I enjoy everything about candles. I love buying new candles. Right now I'm into fruity, tropical scents, maybe because it's been HOT here in Savannah.

*Hockey. I'm loving the way the Bruins are plowing through games and opponents. I've always loved hockey, but don't get a lot of opportunities to watch the Bruins. It's fun to get into the game, yell at the t.v., and high five Adam when we score.

Here's what I'm not digging: the shitty way the Red Sox are playing; cleaning; schoolwork. I know this is all normal.