Speak to me, Baby

I've been talking for a few weeks about finding a hobby since making the decision to not work anymore. I have not been triumphant in this pursuit. So I've come up with a few ideas I might give a whirl:

1. Teach my 12-pound dog, Baby, how to talk. At first I thought maybe I could teach her English, but then realized Adam would send me up the river to the crazy farm. When I can get her to whine she makes some funny noises, and have even gotten an almost, "Mama" from her.

2. Enter every contest online I can find. Maybe I could win something really cool, like corn cob holders.

3. Get another dog to try to assuage my guilt over putting my first dog to sleep almost two years ago. Even though she had cancer and it was her time, I can't get over the guilt. Not sure if it's being raised Catholic or I'm just a guilt-ridden person, but I also realize I really don't want three dogs, even if Brewster is going on 11 and I don't expect him to be around forever. Maybe after we come back from North Carolina in May I'll seriously consider it. It would make me feel better to save a dog and have a new addition to the family.

4. Have another baby. NOT! Ha ha ha totally kidding, have no desire for a baby. Would rather have a raging case of diarrhea for a month.

5. Learn Spanish via the steamy novelas on TV. Rosetta Stone didn't teach me much in the six weeks I had to do Adam's homework, so I figure if I watch enough Spanish-speaking shows I'll pick up the language like that. I've seen enough interviews with actors from other countries who watch English-speaking shows and learn perfect English, so why can't I do the same?

6. Make a drinking game out of watching Judge Judy. Every time she calls someone stupid I'd have to take a drink of gin and juice.

7. Become an expert at Guitar Hero. The only problem is my ring finger has never worked. I lack muscles or whatever it is that makes it move, so that might be a long shot. Or I could invent an exercise machine for fingers that will help you ace Guitar Hero.

8. Work out until I pass out. Will have a killer bod and way less boobage then I do now. Pass.

9. Watch cooking shows and research the ingredients they use, because I haven't heard of about 90% of what they actually put into these recipes. Then find out if they actually sell this stuff at the commissary.

10. Play bingo online at pogo.com until I actually win a game. I'm constantly beaten by people with screen names like Granlovesbingo, GrammyBunco and Nana1932. Watching the Game Show Network and playing online bingo has probably qualified me to live in a retirement home. Which sounds pretty cool to me, because they cook all your meals and drive you to the mall. Adam says I can't go live there though.